Month: August 2014

My Dirty Secret

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I heard someone come in the door but I didn’t hear the normal rustling of keys that comes with Keith when he gets home. Then there was eerie silence. I had taken Wolfgang, our hyperactive dog, to daycare so that I could get some work done. I was regretting that decision.

I walked over to the office door and listened then decided to deploy a tactic that I’d practiced several times, “Hey, babe. I’m upstairs. I just finished cleaning my gun, come on up,” I yelled. Still nothing.

“I wish I really had a gun,” I whispered, slowly closing the office door.

I got my cell phone to call 911 but hesitated. I didn’t know if it was an emergency, it could be Keith down there. He could have lost the angel attached to his keychain that made his arrival obvious. I could potentially be putting my husband in danger by labeling him a burglar and calling the police. I texted Keith instead.

“Wher R U?” I waited.

The notification alert startled me.

“@ da gym, Y?”

“I think someone is in the house,” I whispered into the voice texter.

It ended up reading; “I think sometimes I want a mouse”.

“What? LOL, a mouse??!!”

I stopped responding, there was no time to explain.

I found my neighbor’s number in my contact list, he would be home, I thought.

“He probably saw the thief coming in, with his nosy butt. Although nosy would be helpful right now,” I said.

“Hello,” he answered.

“Jerry, I think someone is in my house.”

“Yeah, there is,” he was oddly matter of fact.

“Oh my, God, gotta go, calling the police!” I ended the call and started to dial 911 when I heard a bellowing voice calling my name.

“Noel, don’t call the police, I’m in the house!”

I sat still, crouched in the corner between the wall and the bookshelf.

“I came to let the dog out, remember? You said you and Keith would be late getting home.”

I heard his boots clopping up the hardwood stairs and then realized that I couldn’t let him come into the office, my stuff was sitting out and I did not want him to see it. I didn’t want anyone to see it or know about my secret.

I struggled to get up, wedged in my spot. I grunted and groaned until I was able to wiggle out. I kicked the bookshelf in anger. I scurried over to the desk drawer; the one I kept locked at all times. I almost had all of the stuff packed away when he opened the door.

“I forgot to tell you that I didn’t have to work late so I’m just here doing stuff on the computer. Research. I’m doing a little research stuff,” I said with my back to him.

“Okay…” he knew I was lying, “What is that?”

“What?”

“In your hand.”

“Oh, something Keith left sitting around. He gets on my last nerve,” I pushed the discs into the drawer.

“Is that a Chris Brown CD?”

He came closer and stuck his hand into the pile and pulled them out one by one, “Nicki Minaj, Iggy Azalea, Lil Wayne…what are you doing with this crap!” He held them above his head so that I could not snatch them from him. He was too tall so I gave up.

“I like it, okay? I love it! I like listening to music with mindless lyrics and nice beats. I only pretend to like that damned Jazz that you and Keith love. Sometimes I want to hear a dude call a girl a bitch and not feel bad about it because you know what? Sometimes we are bitches! I want to…I want to say the N word without feeling guilty that I’m freaking contributing to the degradation of my own race! And by the way, I like to do the dance moves too. From the videos? Yeah, I know all the steps to Loyal and I don’t care who knows. Now get out!”

I turned away from him and pulled the CDs out of the drawer, neatly stacking them on top of the desk. There were no more secrets to hide. I felt free.

 

by m. e. nash

 

 

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The “Loyal” Bear Head Dude

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I love videos with good choreography and I stumbled upon the #ChrisBrown video #Loyal and I’m in love with it. I might be in love with Chris and #LilWayne too, maybe (Cougar-ish). Anyway, the choreography is dope, by #FliiStylz from what I hear.

If you’ve watched the video I’m sure you’ve seen the guy grooving in the background with the animated bear head, it’s hilarious. I’ve come up with all sorts of conspiracy theories as to why he was bear-headed out.

  • Was he un-Loyal after the video was shot?
  • Was he a random dude who just got in where he fit in?
  • I would do something like that.

Anyway, it was bothering me so I did some research (yes, I DO have better things to do) here he is, the #BearHeadDude is revealed (hope he’s not wanted):

loyal bear head

Celebrities have it hard

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By #m_e_nash

Some of you may want to throw me off of the platform based on the title of this post alone, but wait, let me explain. Yes, it’s true that celebrities have lots of money, adoring fans, good looks and lives of luxury. But they also have to deal with millions of prying eyes attached to people who are trying to find something, anything, that makes them feel connected to their idol. Magazines are clamoring to get pictures of the latest baby bump or the hottest new couple who they re-name, i.e. Brangelina, SoJo, Bennifer.

While I was thinking about the woes of the famous I got distracted and began daydreaming that I was being interviewed for one of my upcoming books that will inevitably become a movie and therefore make me a bona fide celebrity. In my daydream the interviewer asked; “What do you think about the paps?” and I said “Well…I put my feet in the stirrups, with my socks on because those things are cold!” I was embarrassed when I realized the pretend interviewer was talking about the paparazzi.

Back to reality, I contemplated what it would be like to be an artist whose only dream was to practice their craft and live a relatively normal life outside of work. In this age of constant updates and news feeds it is difficult to be under the radar, but not impossible. Some celebrities know how to keep a low profile; their home bases are in areas of the country where seeing them at the grocery store would be a non-factor, they blend in with the other city folk, stay out of trouble, etc.

For those celebrities who always find themselves in the loids (short for tabloids, go ahead, use it) because they called someone and told them they would be at a particular place – cry me a river. For those, like Halle Berry, Kristen Bell and other stars who have fought to keep their children safe from the looniest photogs, they should be able to be off of work and not worry about being harassed.

Think about it, celebrities can’t go to the airport without swarms of shutter flies trying to take their pictures and screaming insane questions at them like; “What do you think about being so fat?” I can tell you this, when I am making millions of dollars per minute that will not give anyone the right to sit outside of my home and pounce on me in the wee hours of the morning, ala Kanye West.

And don’t get me started on Twitter and Facebook and all the other places where celebrities can be found hanging out. Twitter, in particular can be brutal for celebrities. Let’s take for example, the super fans of stars like Lady Gaga, Rihanna and Beyoncé who, if you say anything their fans deem disrespectful to their pack leader they will attempt to desecrate you, I call them Twitter Gangs.

We also have these blogger and paparazzi based shows and websites that are so crass and disrespectful that it makes me ashamed that I read them. It’s usually something copied and pasted from another more reputable (relatively speaking) site but they title it something like; “Little Red Riding Hood is carrying a Gut Full of King Kong” (translation: she got knocked up). Or they use salacious titles like “One of the Jackson’s in Rehab?” and inside the piece you see a picture of them walking past the Betty Ford Clinic on their way to a movie premiere. The truth is that their tricky ways get me to click on the link, so who’s the dummy?

We tend to think that because celebrities have money and all of the fancy stuff that comes along with it that they ask for it; the prying eyes, the judgment and the outright disrespect. They knew what they were getting into, right? Wrong, I’m sure a lot of them didn’t expect part of the world to be online-assholes who claim they don’t like bullies but do it to celebrities all of the time just because they can.

When I finally make it big I will be grateful and appreciative of all of my fans – but I’m not sure I will be able to kick-it with them on Twitter and Instagram too much. People can be mean and rude and I don’t like that. I don’t like it in my personal life and I certainly don’t have to take that in my celebrity work life!

We would all do well if we just remember that celebrities are people too.

Thank you and be well.

Sincerely,

m. e. nash, Future Celebrity & Philanthropist

twitter gang

not vain. okay, maybe a little bit. like -this- much

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Sometimes I “like” my own posts so that I can get this awesome message from #WordPress #LoveIt #ShoutOut2 #CarlySimon

so vain word press pic

Never Give Up

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Grateful

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FLOWER PAINT STROKE GRAPHIC grateful